90scherry:

a restart from where i stand

(via moonymoony)

Decade recap

• 2010 - senior year in Ateneo!! Made so many good memories with college friends. The end of my life as a sheltered teenager

• 2011 - graduated! Got my first ever job as a junior art director in an ad agency. I was sooo in love with my work and the industry hahah. Picked up longboarding as a hobby

• 2012 - started traveling locally more, joined ISDA (a turning point in my life tbh), started diving!!!!! also: moved to makati, first time to live away from my family. Partied a lot esp with work friends and ISDA friends lol

• 2013 - quit my ad job, lived in Cebu for a couple months doing volunteer whaleshark work with LAMAVE, dived A LOT. Met people from so many diff backgrounds. After coming back from Cebu, did short stints in different fields like production design, news, publishing/events, only to end up back in advertising but this time in a small startup with great people!

• 2014 - Probably my most carefree year! traveled ALOT. Basically spent all my money on traveling, and diving. (Had no savings, 24 y/o ivy was irresponsible.) Backpacked thru Cebu, Bohol, borneo, babuyan islands, Cambodia, Palawan, Myanmar, etc. Almost got kidnapped in borneo. Joined my first ever humpback whale survey with Balyena.org (a life-changing experience) :’) fell in love then fell out of love then fell in love again (it goes on for a few more years lol)

• 2015 - Spent a lot of time outdoors, hiking and diving. Vacationed for a month in the US after not having been back for 10 years. Roadtripped through Yosemite & Big Sur with good friends (one of my fave memories ever). Started taking on more freelance work. In the last quarter of the year, quit my job, moved to NYC, and attempted to sustain myself as a new freelancer in the most expensive city in the world while doing design classes in my dream art school and hustling like crazy. (I managed to do it but BARELY). First time to have moments where I felt 100% creatively inspired and in flow. Fell in love with design again and met my design heroes. Found my spirituality through a podcast. Again fell in love fell out of love fell in love fell out of love etc etc hahahah

• 2016 - A very introspective year. Endured my first NYC winter (but was able to visit sunny California and travel with friends in the middle of it, which was a nice respite from the bleakness of winter). Then moved back to Manila. Got my own apartment in Makati, first time to live by myself ever. Also first time to go 100% freelance in Manila. Felt lonely a lot this year… I was living by myself and working by myself. I was also traveling a lot by myself. But the solitude taught me a lot of things. It was good to learn how to turn inwards after several years of being externally-focused. Had a breakdown and an awakening. Also got in a relationship that wasn’t very healthy, ended the year on a dark note. (PLUS DUTERTE AND TRUMP HAPPENED)

• 2017 - Started off the year back in the States with family, got to do a month-long coast-to-coast trip from SF to Chicago to NYC back to Chicago to Detroit (first time on an Amtrak) to SF up the coast through NorCal, Oregon, Washington, and back to SF. First time to roadtrip again as a complete family since… I dont even remember. Got out of the toxic relationship. Started sharing my art more on social media. Spent a lot of time in La Union, surfing and meeting new friends. Got to go back to Babuyan islands on my 2nd humpback whale survey, aaa this was an epic trip with the best people. Met Eric! <3 Moved in together after 4 months haha, learned how to cohabitate with a partner, learned a lot of lessons about how to be in a committed relationship in general … lots of eye-opening moments. Got to spend alot of time with family and had my brother visit from NYC for 2 months. Joined my first art exhibit with Pineapple Lab. First time to really put my work out there in person. Picked up PAINTING!

• 2018 - First time in Europe, and got to go with Eric! Joined Balyena’s Blue Whale survey in Bohol. ADOPTED LILY, one of the best things about our decade. <3 Learned how to be dog-parents. Signed up for a 5km open-water swim without knowing how to do a proper freestyle form 3 months prior, somehow managed to pull through and even got 3rd in my age group (granted there were only 7 of us hahah). Found our second home in the mountains. Learned how to ride a motorbike. Swam a lot, made a lot of art, drank/partied less, spent time with true friends, enjoyed a lot of quiet time at home with our little paw-mily, learned how to relax.

• 2019 - Worked really HARD this year. Both on client design work and personal art projects. My words for the first half of the year were ‘discipline’ and ‘perseverance’. Got to do my first ever art workshop (who is she?). Got to do big art commissions for homes and offices, something I never would have thought I was capable of doing 3 years prior. Was able to join my 4th Balyena survey and got to go back to the Babuyan Islands with old and new friends! Got to train for and join my 2nd open-water swim in Batangas. Became truly immersed in my creative practice. Reached out more to the local art community and became inspired by all the talented and hardworking people in it, some of whom I’ve been lucky enough to collaborate and become friends with. Got to go on a month-long European summer adventure with Eric <3 Got a freakin ART STUDIO. Became much closer to my parents, esp my mom. Went to therapy. Learned how to undo some old unhealthy patterns that have been ingrained since childhood (this is a work in progress).  Got to learn how to appreciate good friendships and do the work to keep them. Appreciated my family for who they are, the good and the bad combined. Learned (learning?) how to forgive myself for things I did in the past that I wasn’t proud of. Learning how to move forward from that and make better choices. Learned that LIFE IS HARD AND IT RLY SUCKS SOMETIMES but it’s what it is and we just gotta make the best of it. Learning how to focus my life on the things that really matter: creativity, relationships, wellbeing and growth (in all aspects), openness to experiences, widening perspectives, and being a good human.

2019

How to explain what has happened in the 2 years since I have been on here?

Just spent the last 1+ hour going through my old journal entries.

I’m happy I spent all that time documenting my past experiences and feelings…
I hardly have time for it now, but now I wish I made more time to sit down and write.

It’s amazing to be able to look back with perspective and see how far you’ve come, see how and why things happened the way they did.

I think I’ve been meaning to write an update but just been quite intimidated by the gargantuan-ness of the task… WHERE TO START?

I guess to get to the gist of it —I’m in a really good place.

Living with my partner, Eric, who I’ve been with for 2 years now.

It’s an imperfect relationship — we fight, have disagreements, argue, get on each others’ nerves, say things we don’t mean, sometimes even say (or shout) horrible things to each other that we instantly regret.

At the same time, I have no doubts about how committed we are to each other. In this relationship, I feel secure and loved. And no matter how much our “lower” selves / egos keep showing up sometimes, at the end of the day, I know that we will still choose each other. We’ll make mistakes, and we’ll falter, because we are human and that’s just the reality of life. But we also put in the work to make sure we are growing, and becoming better people day after day. We are each others’ motivation to be better — I can’t say we’re there yet by all means, but this is a journey we’re on together. And everyday, we show up for it. We just love each other a whole damn lot! More than a boyfriend, he’s my life partner. I’m super thankful for him.

Career-wise, I’ve been 3+ years into my self-employed creative journey… and it has been the most rewarding experience ever. Tough, anxiety-filled, uncertain. But I would not have it any other way. You learn to toughen up, to have grit, to hustle like mad, but also forgive yourself in the times that you can’t. You learn to be soft, to be and flow like water, to let go of things out of your control. It’s a beautiful balance. Also it’s been quite a journey trying to see the bigger picture as to why I’m doing this; why I chose to live this kind of uncertain (albeit exciting and rewarding) life vs. following security and stability in a more conventional path (not to say that I can’t have security with the kind of life I’ve chosen, because I definitely can, and have it to a degree; but I digress). And it’s because, I really truly value freedom! Diversity in experiences. Making brave choices. Some people choose a conventional life, and that’s wonderful— it works for them. Others, like me, favor another path because it’s more aligned with their values… and I stand by this path I’ve chosen. I love where I am, it’s not easy, and it’s quite a struggle day-to-day, especially when I give in to my anxieties. However I’m learning to quiet my mind and my ego when worries arise… through nothing else but gratitude. I truly wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else. Always thankful for where I am, where I was, and where I will be.

More recently I set off on a new path as a painter and visual artist. I think in some form, I’ve always been one ever since I was young, but it was only recently that I was able to overcome my fear of that label and give myself permission to call myself… an ARTIST. Whew! Even now the mere mention of the word induces a panic in me. Impostor syndrome, anyone? However that in itself is a sign of the work that I need to be overcoming day after day. Much like my relationship, it’s something I need to be showing up for as much as I can. And the more I do it, I do feel that it gets easier… the burden lightens little by little. Fear is a good source of motivation, it’s like a defined barrier that shows you how much you need to grow to learn a certain lesson — however you also need to practice to not let it take over and steer your ship. Acknowledge it, keep it with you — but be brave enough to say to it: “I’m in control, I’m the one navigating today.” (I = my higher self)

I could fill up the internet with everything else that I’ve been through in the last couple of years… but for the most part, I think these are the highlights. Oh, and I’m a dog mom now. Meet Lily, the best part of our 2018! 😍

Reiki session, February 6, 1:30pm

Crown Chakra

• There are new beginnings. Things look messy. But your energy looks like it’s healing, like a scab. Some parts of your life looks like it was really wounded, and the tendency is to pick at the wounds. The tendency is to still look at past situations, and to pick at it. Angels are saying there are new beginnings - not necessarily new situations, but a new way of looking at things. Have faith that these new beginnings are on their way.

Third Eye Chakra

• Pave way for stillness again. Quiet down, relax. Meditate, write, then make an affirmation of faith. “I am moving into new beginnings. I am ready to turn this around.” etc. Shift your energy towards where you want to go.

Throat Chakra

• Your path and your truth is to stay gentle. There will be tendencies to claw at it, or be very defensive. But stay gentle, stay gentle with yourself. Even if strong emotions are coming out.

Heart Chakra

• Your energy is bound to one person, or maybe 2 people, that drain your energy. It’s not nurturing. You’re the one giving more to the other. Someone is receiving more from you. You need to learn the issue of boundaries, that there is a give and take. There are main energies that drain you more rather than empower. Check how you get empowered - is it validation from these people, or do you give yourself validation?

Solar Plexus Chakra

• Drink more water. There’s an imbalance. It’s depleted. Increase through life-giving foods.

Root Chakra

• Strengthen the MALE in you. The physical, go getter, disciplined, focused action side. Strengthen that part of your body. It’s ok that things didn’t pan out in the past 2 or 3 weeks. Release the conformity - this is what’s supposed to happen, what would other people say, etc - chuck that out.

Overall messages:

1. Use meditation and writing time to fuel your thoughts. Because right now, you’re picking at the scabs instead of acknowledging them and shifting the thoughts. Think of it as a river - you’re shifting the water.
2. Look at the energies that are draining you. Clear yourself of them.
3. Stand up for yourself, be focused. Know that you can move on, despite this mess-up. You’re safe as you move forward.

In the midst of sadness - brief moments of calm. Instances of peace. So fleeting. But they’re there. Offering comfort. For a moment, your heart stops resisting. Telling you to just be, for now. Just be. You are whole. Every inch of you exudes strength. Capable of bearing and weathering the full spectrum of your humanness. Feeling trapped no more. The light exists. You just gotta open your eyes.

Day 3 | Weight

Lying here and the sadness is heavy. A solid plank laid across my body. I feel it weighing down. Gripping my throat. Can’t speak. Heart hurts. It’s physical pain. I soothe it. Run my hands down its side, caressing it, embracing it. This is mine to bear. Mine to bear for now. Man, it’s heavy. But bravery is carrying this through. And bravery is also letting it go when you’re ready. Slowly. Inching your way through. Crawling. Slowly.

The Road to Authenticity

At the start of 2016 I committed to authenticity. It was my WORD. And man, did I commit. 2016 has been the hardest year of my life so far. I faced so many of my issues, insecurities, and just looked within REAL HARD. Sat with myself. Sat through all of it. Embraced the discomfort. Being with yourself is hard. You want to appear a certain way, put together, everything figured out, all that shiny sparkly good stuff. But goddamn it. Who lives life like that? Everyone’s a goddamn mess. A beautiful mess! That’s just the nature of life! That’s what makes it interesting. Stop resisting. Everything passes, everything is temporary. Everything comes in seasons. 2016 was my season of awakening. It’s fucking hard to be woke. Hard to be confronted by your inner demons. But you just gotta deal with it. When 2017 rolled around i was so glad to be done with the year. But also dreading the coming year. I just spent a while going through my past journal entries and realized how I came to terms with so many of my issues the last year. It’s the road to authenticity! How can you be authentic if you can’t face yourself. In retrospect, what a good year for learning. Man! I learned SO MUCH. And I’m still LEARNING. Good years aren’t defined by what you did or where you went or how much you made. I think good years are defined by how much you GREW. And I think I definitely did a lot of that, and then some. This is the first time I’m saying it, but I’m thankful for 2016. Thankful for all the lessons. Taking them with me along for the ride, and learning from it all.

Day 2 | Rollercoaster

Overthinking. Anger. Relief. Sadness. Contentment. Has it only been ONE DAY SINCE? The longest day. A rollercoaster of every emotion. I woke up dejected. An hour later it was excitement. Somewhere in between, meh. In the midst of it all, I just want to be calm. I’m trying. Then the brain goes into overdrive and flips everything onto its ass. So I try again. It’s a push and pull, much like life. Pushing and pulling for balance. Don’t fight it. Just roll with it. You’ll get there. But goddamn it just hurts right now.